Breaking Dads Ep 53: Gift Buying Guide 2015

Haute Joaillerie from Chopard

This episode Jeff and James take some class gift buying categories and cook up some absurd possibilities for your enjoyment (and possible purchase).

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(duration: 51min)

Here’s our notes from the show:

Gift Buying Guide 2015

For the person that has everything:

Cryonics

  • Because nothing says I Love You like Cryopreservation.

PrestigeHD Supreme Rose Edition 55” TV ($2.5 million)

  • Hand sewn alligator skin
  • gilded with 28 kilograms of solid 18ct rose gold
  • 72 brilliant round cut 1ct IF flawless diamonds along with Sunstone and Amethyst

Gravestone

  • Because while they might have bought a plot overlooking a nice valley or something, there’s a good chance they haven’t had a piece of rock engraved with a cartoon image of their likeness.

Haute Joaillerie from Chopard ($26 million)

  • 201 karats of colored diamonds
  • Looks like a diamond fairy threw uo on your wrist.

Nightmares

  • You might have seen that 1997 Michael Douglas movie, The Game, where his thoughtful brother buys him an experience like no other. Well, here’s your chance to do the same for someone special in your life. Buy them the most horrifying life-affirming experience you can. Listen lovingly to stories of their haunted past, tales of their phobias, whispers of their greatest fears – then use these things to make them DEATHLY ALIVE.

Private Island in Canada ($170,000)

  • A short 12 hour drive north from Vancouver.
  • Very little rain (<2 inches permonth) highs of 62, lows of 23 (daytime) but with global warming, it’s only going to get better!
  • No power, no docks, but great fishing!

A New Religion

  • Start a new religion in their name. Jeffitarians unite!

Coffee made from poop ($100-$600 per pound)

  • Kopi luwak – coffee that includes part-digested coffee cherries eaten and defecated by the
  • The Asian palm civet eats the coffee cherries, processes the pulp, then their intestines do a mixture of science and magic before they poop out the beans 24 hours later, somehow making the coffee beans better for having been inside them…
  • General consensus – it tastes awful (if you taste it in a blind taste test – if you pay the 8 times higher price for the beans, and make a cup, then you tend to love it, humans are simple that way).

For your frenemies:

Cockroaches

  • A bulk order of live cockroaches.
  • Better than pets.

Glitter bomb!

  • You can send anonymously online, or simply load an envelope with glitter and a nice card, and be all, “oh gee, I totally didn’t think of the mess that would make, I was just trying to be festive…”

Unemployment

  • Give the gift the keeps on giving.

$10 GC to the apple store

  • There is NOTHING at the apple store for $10or less…
  • Or a $100 GC to a restaurant at least 50 miles from their house.

Handblown Tear Catcher

  • Followed by a letter with unpleasant news.

Pets

  • According to the ASPCA, a cat costs $1,035 over the first year of ownership and $670 thereafter, while a large dog generates $1,843 in bills the first year and another $875 each subsequent year.

Unframed art (paint it yourself)

  • Keep asking when they’ll put it up.
  • Frames are expensive.
  • Your art skills are poor.

Framing

  • Jeff and James think alike. Except James was thinking the “can you believe he was capable of grand larceny?” kind.

Festival concert tickets (for anyone over 30)

  • Now they have to travel, get childcare, stay somewhere…

Ritual Artifacts

  • You know those creepy grass dolls you see in movies? Those little wooden altars to who knows what? Hire a local craftsperson and have some intimidating ritual artifacts made up so they can be left in a prominent location for your nemesis. Like on their desk at work. Or in their car. Or next to their bed when they wake up in the morning.

A Goldfish (for your frenemy’s kid)

  • This will be dead by New Years
  • Child’s tears will last even longer. Combine with Tear Catcher (see above).

Last Minute Gifts:

7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.  Feel free to roll in on your way over to the in-laws to pick-up everything you need.  Did you know 7-11 sells:

  • Gift cards in all shapes and sizes.
  • Cell phones.
  • Electrical accessories from headphones and speakers to back-up battery power and usb
  • Lotto tickets – here I bought you the chance of being rich, but really, I’m just handing you a
  • Beauty products, from hair clips to nail clippers.  Practical gifts for practical people.
  • Maybe grandpa still owns a functioning DVD player, and really needs a copy of Fred
  • Toys – only the best in cheaply made overpriced remote control helicopters.
  • Got a smoker, now is the time to buy them a carton of smokes, or a new e-cig!
  • If you live in the states, you can grab some alcohol.

A Geological Wonder

  • Not just any rock. One that has something special about it, not one that looks like it was found on the side of a highway or school playground.

Your Closet

  • Surely you have something that still looks new that you can wrap-up in a giftbox and pass off as something you bought?  A vintage tie?  A cool t-shirt?  Socks?

A Book of Coupons for Hugs. Or Naps.

  • Show you care. May or may not be work friendly.

Your Kids

  • Your kids have been bringing you home school-made presents since pre-school.
  • Surely you have some paint around that you can add the words “to Grandma” or “to Uncle Mike” on without anyone noticing.  They have to like it because your kid worked so hard on it…

Snow Family

  • Get up extra early and create an entire snow family out front. Kids, pets, everyone. Friends, dentist, coworkers. The bigger the better. You are aiming to impress, after all. And don’t whine about your frozen fingers and mildly frostbitten face afterward. Stop making it all about you.

Re-gifting

  • you do it for the environment!  No one wants that bread maker you never opened to end up in a land fill do they?

Condiment Painting

  • Look! You’re an artist! Talk a lot about how their love inspired you.

Gifts your kid’s teacher really wants:

  • Gift Cards
    • Coffee shops and bookstores will for sure be used!
    • If you can collect from all parents and present a big one, you will be loved (choose a trusty parent so they don’t run off with your money and give an empty gift card. Seriously, it’s happened)
  • Industrial hearing protection
    • Don’t skimp. Buy the big yellow ones.
  • Alcohol
    • Teaching is hard, they could use a drink over the holidays.
  • Life-like Mannequin
    • They can use it to steal a nap or slip out for some shopping while the Mannequin teaches.
  • A meal
    • If your cooking something special, make a little more for your kid’s teacher and their family.  Having a home cooked meal without spending the time, you know, cooking, is always great.
  • Tickets to a comedy show
    • Teachers need to laugh to prevent them from drinking too many gifts.
  • Cash Money
    • They’ve already spent it on your kid.
  • Hire someone to write report cards for them.
  • Volunteer
    • Cut up, photocopy, staple, prep, whatever for them. Time is a useful gift.
  • Hypnotism Classes
    • Mind control. But not mind control. Osmosis?

Gifts Teachers Don’t Need

  • Anything that says “teacher” on it:
    •  No ceramic apple mugs
  •  Gifts from the dollar store
    • They already know they re a teacher, don’t need anything from a dollar store.  Look, you are not obliged to get a gift, so if you find yourself shopping for your kids teacher in a dollar store, just don’t.  It’s only going to get thrown out or re-gifted.  Why not have your kid make a nice home-made card instead?  It doesn’t need to be fancy, just heartfelt.
  • Chocolate
    • Look, everyone loves chocolate, but class sizes have ballooned to over 20 kids, so you can imagine how many of them bring chocolate.  Even sharing with family, a good chunk of the chocolate gets thrown out.  If your teacher really loves chocolate, get a small amount of really good chocolate rather than a large amount of cheap chocolate.  Quality over quantity wins here.
  • Coffee Mug
    • If they have taught for more than 2 years, they already have a lifetime supply of drinking vessels.  Please stop. There aren’t enough cupboards.

Teachers love and appreciate everything. But sometimes it ends up in boxes and placed in a trunk.

Have some good gift ideas for someone? We didn’t find the perfect gift for that special someone in your life? Let us know in the comments below.

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